Wanting to Leave Only to Return

When I got back from my 3 week trip to Montana I said to myself and Dale (who was with me at the time) that I was retiring from hiking for a year. I guess I considered hiking and going on treks sort of a job in the same sense a baseball player considers baseball their job. For a while it was defining me as a person. I was always just living until the next hike. Thinking back on it I believe it was a much more relaxed and logical way to live. Instead of always being worried about what is happening and if your life is going the way it "should" you are focused on what is coming up and the times ahead. It is much easier to live in the moment and be content with things you cant control. I have not gone on a large trek in a while and I am beginning to feel that pressure to make things the way I imagine they should be. This is very often how you mess things up. So soon enough I would like to get away from everything this way I will want to return again.


I Thought You Were A Lifesize Paper Doll

"But whether it be dream or truth, to do well is what matters. If it be truth, for truth's sake. If not, then to gain friends for the time when we awaken."

Rarely do we realize how little control we have over those around us. We imagine, because we spend much time with ourselves, that we are the point from which all things stem. On those rare occasions where we step back we understand that we are just the opposite. We have the ability to be the beginning, middle, or end for anyone. The quote above by the dramatist Pedro Calderon de la Barca states the only thing we are is a variable. Most of the time we are in dream which is visible, isolated, brief with no actual beginning, middle, or end. During this time our goal should be to do well because when we do awake and things do stem from us we will have the people and knowledge we need to live up to our own self image. We have control over ourselves and to us everyone else is a variable. To them we are the variable. I believe we should make the best at being a variable for whoever is out there wondering why they cannot control us. For every variable needs a constant. This way maybe when we awaken all that crazy dream stuff may be real.

I thought you were a lifesize paper doll but then wouldn't we all be dolls?

Hi, How Are You? Part 2

How much do we hide from people on a daily basis? A few times a day I will be asked by either a stranger, acquaintance, or a close friend how are you? It seems no matter what the situation that day may be or how I actually am that the response is always some form of the word good. Very rarely do any of us respond to the question how are you? with some form of the word bad. As we grow further and further away from family I feel that no one knows us inside and out anymore. This may be why people take so much effort in choosing a mate for life. Not because of evolutionary need to reproduce but the newly developed need to have someone know us through and through. Subtly we are hiding bits and pieces of ourselves everyday even though there are people out there who we don't talk to anymore who know us well. Somehow we pretend that hiding parts of ourselves will protect us from losing ourselves to other people. My question is why.

I realized today how much "stuff" I have. Whether it be computer parts, books, movies, posters, or clothes I realized there is a lot of it. I am not sure what my life would be without all this "stuff". In a way I think we are defined by our "stuff" because it is solid hold in your hand memories, like a book you read as a child or an old t shirt. We connect "stuff" with people, some who may not be around anymore, and through this we can piece our lives together. Its funny how much you could look at my stuff and learn almost nothing yet I can look at it and see my entire life. This is why yard sales are so interesting because you are buying other peoples "stuff", you are buying their memories. (For sale: A piece of who I am- $5).

Song of the Day: Your Hand In Mine- Explosions in the Sky

Hoping you are all actually good,

And everyday we will write something new

Yesterday was my birthday...I am 20 years old...20 years does not seem like a long time but when I think I am only 3 more of these away from 80 I think god damn...I do not feel older but I know I look older. I have begun to listen to records (vinyls)...and that must add some old points to my tally. I dont feel I know much more then when I was say 15. The world is still round..2+2 =4...girls are still confusing as all hell and I still am not sure what all of this schooling and training means. I can't picture myself in the real world yet people tell me that I am in it. I guess the only thing I have learned in the last 5 years and the only thing being a teenager taught me is that
A. You cannot control 95% of your life.
B. Don't ever be afraid to fail...worst thing you can do is not believe you are doing the right thing.

I am left with questions though as my birthday ends..as I was listening to my new Johnny Flynn album, the song Brown Trout Blues stuck out to me. "Time rolls the back wheels of my mind".."I wonder if I'm doing the best I could"....i guess we can never know we are doing the best we could. How do we judge ourselves as easily as we judge others?

I def. feel I have to get away for a little while...or at least start doing something different. I'm not one to worry about things but I have to make a change. I am going to start with a tattoo..see where it goes from there. I feel like my trip to Montana last summer started something that I never kept going on. So for my birthday I am giving myself a second chance. I hope to blog everyday for a month in an attempt to figure out what is actually going on.

Johnny Flynn and the Sussex Wit